The Power and Control Wheel
Using Privilege as Control: Understanding Power Dynamics in Abusive Relationships
◴ 7 min read • Updated June 2026
The Power and Control Wheel
Using Privilege as Control: Understanding Power Dynamics in Abusive Relationships
◴ 7 min read • Updated June 2026
Home / Guides / Power and Control Wheel / Privilege
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This tactic leverages power imbalances—whether based on gender, income, education, citizenship status, or social position—to maintain control.
When we think about abuse, we often focus on visible bruises or harsh words. But one of the most insidious forms of control operates in the background, embedded in everyday decisions and expectations. This tactic is known as using privilege, a key component of the Power and Control Wheel that helps explain how abusers maintain dominance over their partners.
Using privilege in abusive relationships means the abuser treats their partner like they are fundamentally inferior, making decisions without agreement and defining relationship roles that serve their interests. This form of coercive control can feel invisible to outsiders—and sometimes even to the person experiencing it—because it can look like "traditional" relationship dynamics.
How Privilege Manifests in Abusive Relationships
In relationships where privilege is weaponized as emotional manipulation, the abuser positions themselves as the authority on matters that should allow for equal input. They treat their partner as though their role is to serve, support, and accommodate—not to have equal say.
Making the big decisions.
The abuser may decide where the family lives, whether their partner can work, how money is spent, which friends are acceptable, and what the family schedule looks like. The survivor's input is dismissed, minimized, or even punished. Even decisions that directly affect the survivor's life—their career, their education, their relationship with family—may be made unilaterally.
Defining rigid roles.
The abuser may insist that certain tasks, responsibilities, and behaviors are "naturally" divided in ways that serve their interests. They may refuse to help with childcare, housework, or emotional labor while simultaneously expecting their partner to maintain full-time employment. Or they may prevent their partner from working outside the home while complaining about financial strain.
Acting like the master of the castle.
The abuser may expect to be waited on, catered to, and prioritized above all else—including the children. They may demand meals prepared to their specifications, a clean house maintained to their standards, and immediate attention to their needs, regardless of what their partner is doing or how exhausted they might be.
Treating their partner like a servant.
Beyond household tasks, this dynamic extends to emotional servitude. The survivor is expected to manage the abuser's emotions, anticipate their needs, and adjust their own behavior to prevent the abuser's anger or disappointment.
Abusers falsely claim privilege in relationships based on various characteristics: being the primary earner, gender identity, age, physical strength, cultural or religious beliefs, or professional accomplishments. Whatever the claimed source, the result is the same—one person positions themselves as inherently deserving of more power and consideration.
Real-Life Examples of Privilege in Action
A partner who refuses to discuss major purchases but expects to be consulted about every penny their partner spends.
Someone who considers childcare "helping out" when they do it, but expects their partner to handle all parenting responsibilities without recognition or support.
A partner who makes unilateral decisions about children's education, extracurricular activities, or medical care, then blames their partner if things don't work out.
A partner who demands a spotless home but creates messes without cleaning up, viewing housework as beneath them.
These examples often overlap with other tactics on the Power and Control Wheel, particularly economic abuse, isolation, and emotional abuse.
The Connection to Narcissistic Abuse and Coercive Control
Using privilege as an abuse tactic aligns seamlessly with patterns of narcissistic abuse. Individuals with malignant narcissism or strong Machiavellian traits often view relationships through a hierarchical lens where they deserve special treatment simply by virtue of who they are. Their sense of entitlement—a hallmark of narcissism—makes the exploitation of privilege feel natural and justified to them.
This tactic is a form of coercive control because it systematically strips away a person's autonomy and self-determination. Over time, survivors may internalize these dynamics, believing they truly are less capable of making decisions or that their needs are less important. This is how trauma bonding develops—the survivor becomes psychologically attached to the very person who is oppressing them, creating patterns that can take years to recognize and overcome.
Recognizing Privilege as a Control Tactic: Questions to Ask Yourself
If you're questioning whether privilege is operating in your relationship, consider:
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Do you have equal say in major decisions, or does one person consistently get the final word?
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Can you pursue your own goals and interests?
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Is household labor divided fairly and negotiated, or is it assumed to be your responsibility?
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Can you disagree with your partner without facing consequences?
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Does your partner respect your boundaries and autonomy?
Healing from Emotional Abuse
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Narcissistic abuse recovery often begins with recognizing the patterns that kept you trapped. Understanding that privilege was used as a tool of control—not a reflection of your worth or capabilities—is a necessary step in healing from emotional abuse.
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